You don’t have to be a total J*rk to drive a supercar, but it sure helps—especially if the wealth used to procure this automotive unobtanium was built on the backs of your peasant subjects, crime victims, or indentured third-world laborers.
Some of the world’s biggest jackasses have elaborate car collections that include multiple supercars, some of which are adorned with custom paint to match boats, bikes, or other extravagant toys too expensive for the rest of us. And when it comes to pop stars who harass their neighbors with lavish all-hour parties and trash hotel rooms, I can think of a few who own Aventadors or McLaren 650s. In addition, wife-beating professional athletes seem to love anything with an AMG badge. And Russian oligarchs with questionable underworld connections? Those guys love Bugattis and certainly can’t resist a one-off Ferrari.
Like most kids growing up in the ’80s, I had a poster of the Lamborghini Countach on my bedroom wall. In high school, I would’ve traded a kidney for a Porsche 911 Turbo S. The temple of the supercar is hallowed ground, not to be defiled, bespeckled, or adorned with superfluous fiberglass. Fashion patterns or ostrich skin have no earthly place near a four-cam V12. Even in today’s constantly connected world, supercars still inspire the envy and ire of anyone who doesn’t own one. Most of us can scrimp and save for a nice car, but supercars strictly require 1% status.
I’m not going to lie—this list isn’t actually a character indictment of the average supercar driver. In fact, it’s based primarily on good old-fashioned, seething jealousy. Let’s face it—if someone offered you a legit straight trade for a 570s on your Honda Civic, you’d take it. We all want a supercar. Everybody wants to be James Bond. Here then are 25 Supercars Only the Biggest J*rk Would Drive…
1. THE GOLD LAMBORGHINI AVENTADOR
Rising a mere 45 inches from the road and wider than a Ford Transit van, with scissor doors and the staccato rumble of a race-derived V12, the Lamborghini Aventador is already one of the flashiest cars you can drive.
While some aspects of the Aventador are decidedly old-school, like the large-displacement, naturally aspirated V12, other parts of the car are pure 21st century.
The Aventador was the first car ever built on a CFRP (carbon-fiber-reinforced polymer) monocoque chassis. Low production numbers and very high cost also mean it’s not one you’re likely to see on the street often, if ever. In the event that your 90-inch wide, carbon-fiber supercar just doesn’t have enough street presence for you, you could do what this guy did and wrap it in gold. We get it—you’re rich. Enough already.
2. LAMBORGHINI HURACAN ON DUBS
Lamborghinis are all about performance, flat-plane cranks, sublime handling, sticky tires, aerodynamic bodies, and race-tuned suspensions. Lambos are built to go really, really fast in straight lines and around corners. The easiest way to ruin all of that is not only making the car slower and less predictable but also making its ride flinty and intractable by installing an oversized—and more importantly, overweight—set of wheels and tires. Any guesses as to what these 22″ near-dubs weigh? They’re likely much heavier than the already enormous forged aluminum 20s the car left the factory with. You bought a street-legal racing car, man, not a ’68 Impala. The car was perfect before you got it. This car didn’t deserve new shoes!
3. BRONCOS SUPERFAN LAMBORGHINI AVENTADOR
Have you ever been to a party where you were corned by a mega sports nut? Not someone who loves sports, but the kind of guy who could tell you what Vince Lombardi had for breakfast the day he died? That’s the guy that owns this car. Sure, you like watching the game, and you might even have a Broncos sweater you occasionally wear to the office when the boss is in Tahoe with that lady from Accounting, but this Broncos superfan is ALL BRONCOS ALL THE TIME!!! WOOOOOO!!! Supercars are supposed to be effortlessly cool, not rolling billboards for your favorite NFL team. Come on, guy… relax! You’re rich, and you like the Broncos—can’t you just wear an overly bright football jersey to inappropriate places like the rest of us? And yes, of course, I’m just jealous.
4. LAMBORGHINI GALLARDO COP CAR: 10 (CYLINDERS) 4 (PURSUIT)
It’s a well-known fact that police officers are hard on their things. A Police Interceptor Crown Vic can only be vomited on, redlined, curb-hopped, and kicked by perps so many times before it starts to lose its new-car shine. While most police officers pursue a career in policing out of a deep-seated desire to help others and better their communities, there are undoubtedly some cops out there who’ve seen too many action movies and just wanted a way to legally carry a gun and drive like a maniac.
Thanks to seizures, confiscations, and departmental marketing, there are more than few Lambos in police departments around Europe, but this blue and white Gallardo was one of the first.
Can you imagine the smugness of the cop who got to ride this bad boy instead of the puke-encrusted E-class (Germany) or the Crown Vic (‘Merica)?
5. LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO: HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE
When Top Gun came out in 1986, millions of kids around the world bought model F-14s and waged numerous ‘dogfights’ against countless family dogs. To a kid in the 1980s, there was absolutely nothing cooler than Tom Cruise as Maverick tearing up the tarmac on a black Ninja. Well, those ’80s kids grew up, learned some stuff, and made a few bucks. The owner of this Murcielago is now living his best Top Gun fantasy with some Reventon-esque and Top Gun bits adorning his otherwise timeless Italian supercar. Okay, 50 points to the person who can unequivocally determine this car’s provenance. The roofline and doors suggest it started life as a plain-Jane, run-of-the-mill Murcielago, but the hindquarters suggest a Reventon might have sired this monstrosity. Oh, wait a minute… there’s a jet engine! Perhaps the car’s dad was a Murci/Rev mix, and its mom was Batman’s Tumbler? Or maybe someone just let their Top Gun fantasy run amok?
6. LAMBORGHINI AVENTADOR: PLAIN CFRP IS SOOO BMW I3
Sometimes, your 740 hp, carbon-fiber-reinforced polymer (CFRP) Aventador doesn’t quite seem special enough. After all, even the lowly BMW i3 has a CFRP structure, and that car is a glorified golf cart. Doesn’t everyone have one of those? God, your Aventador might as well be a Honda Civic. For you, dear sir, and your champagne taste, there’s Mansory. They’ll take that pokey little plastic Lamborghini and transform it into an old-fashioned, Autoclave-formed carbon-fiber (look at the weave!!!) Mansory Carbonado.
While they’re at it, they’ll wake up that motor for you, from a barely-able-to-merge 740 hp snoozefest to a much more respectable 1,250 hp.
Really, how could anyone ever drive anything with less than 1,000 hp these days? And plastic cars… like the Fiero? What are we, peasants?
7. LAMBORGHINI AVENTADOR IN GREY CAMO
By now, you may have noticed that Lamborghinis represent a disproportionate number of cars on this list. This isn’t the car’s fault. Lambos are exquisite vehicles that unfortunately inspire a great deal of J*rkiness in the “bros” that buy them. Said bros then do dumb, look-at-me-and-how-much-mad-cheddar-I-have stuff with them. Looking at the grey and yellow camo wrap on this Aventador, it’s not hard to imagine the owner in a popped-collar Polo and cargo shorts, frosted tips gleaming in the mid-afternoon sun, calling up his friend who has also just woken up from a night of clubbing, and regaling him with tales of his latest broject. “Bro! Bro! I just wrapped the Aventador in grey and yellow camo. It’s sick, bro. Mad tight!” Why are money and youth wasted on the wrong people?
8. LAMBORGHINI CENTENARIO. CAR COMPANY: THE REVENGE!
Ferruccio Lamborghini was an Italian tractor builder who did quite well in the farm equipment business and bought himself a Ferrari. He loved the car’s performance but hated living with it. So, being a pragmatic fellow, he drove to the factory, told Enzo Ferrari how to fix it, and was promptly shown the door, or so the story goes. Ferrari’s dismissiveness was sufficiently irksome to Lamborghini that he decided to stick it to Ferrari by starting his own car company and building a car to compete directly with Enzo’s street-legal racing cars. Who doesn’t love a revenge-based origin story?
The Lamborghini Centenario was released to commemorate Ferruccio’s 100th birthday.
As such, it’s a special car but also kinda ugly. At $2.3M it was almost six times more expensive than the stellar Aventador on which it was based. Only a J*rk would spend this much commemorating revenge.
9. LAMBORGHINI SESTO ELEMENTO: YOU CAN’T SPELL COVET WITHOUT ‘C’
If you’re going to spend $2M+ on an ultra-rare, purpose-built Lamborghini supercar, it should be so achingly beautiful, so utterly pure of purpose, and so flawless in execution that it keeps you awake at night longing to be near it. This is the Lamborghini Sesto Elemento. It’s perfect.
Borrowing the Gallardo’s 5.2-liter V10 and little else, the carbon-fiber Sesto Elemento (sixth element in Italiano, or “carbon,” for the nerds who remember the periodic table) weighs in at a paltry 2,200 lbs or slightly less than a Toyota Yaris.
Its stealth-fighter styling and minimalist cabin still look current almost 7 years after its release. To the roughly 25 people lucky enough to own one of these absolute masterpieces, we are biblically envious. Why you gotta have such a nice car, you J*rks? You treat her right, you hear me!
10. BESPOKE FERRARI 458: SOMETIMES, EVEN THE BEST ISN’T ENOUGH
Before Ferrari’s mid-engine supercar, the 488, got all eaten up with turbos, it lived its life bouncing off of its 9,000 rpm limiter as the 458, the answer to the question “What would God drive?” If that achingly gorgeous, gloriously bellicose, nearly-flawless Maranello marvel wasn’t good-looking enough for you, you could request that Ferrari build you one whose coachwork was inspired in part by the famed Lancia Stratos, with a Cylon-esque wraparound greenhouse and even better-looking panel surfacing on the doors and quarters. You just need to pay Ferrari an amount usually reserved for purchases that come with a zip code, and you, too, can own a bespoke supercar. If you happen to be sufficiently well-heeled that you’re considering a custom-bodied Ferrari, you’ll be in the company of various sultans, CEOs, and rock God Eric Clapton. Maybe you guys could have a meet?
11. FERRARI 458: ENZO LOVER SHOPS THE JC WHITNEY CATALOGUE
If a bespoke Ferrari 458 isn’t quite in the budget, and yet you still somehow need to cover your massively oversized rim and tire fitment, perhaps fender flares are in order. This 458 sports the type of Bushwacker-style bolt-right-through-the-body appendages that pay homage to both road racing and your cousin Jim’s F-150 trophy truck. In fact, didn’t Stacey David do a 458 mudder on Gearz? Maybe it was a rock crawler. I can’t remember. In truth, these DTM-style bolt-through over-fenders can actually look pretty good. I’ve considered them for my RX-8. They look great on an STi or a Toyobaru 86. But a car from Enzo’s house? There’s rich. Then, there’s Ferrari 458 rich. And then there’s “Sure, let’s drill some holes in that 458, I don’t care” rich. Classic rich J*rk style. Classic.
12. LAMBORGHINI HURACAN TAKES A PAGE FROM PONTIAC
If you’re old AF like your author, you might remember the Pontiac Grand Prix ads from the late 1990s that promised that the new “wide track” Pontiac Grand Prix was better because wider. How many wide-bodied, flared Italian exotics does the world need? Liberty Walk, a Japanese tuning and apparel shop, will flare practically anything, from your Chrysler 300 to your Aventador or Huracan. In this case, one has to wonder why they’re messing with the perfection that rolled out of the Sant’ Agata factory? I guess, if we’re honest, we’d have to concede that this over-fender flare kit actually looks pretty awesome. The rich J*rk who owns this car probably loves it. J*rk.
13. LEXUS LFA. THAT’S HAAAWT…
A 4.8L flat-plane-crank V10 that redlines at 9K? Entirely carbon fiber? Only 500 copies in existence? “That’s hawt…” It would be hard to argue that Paris Hilton hasn’t had an enormous impact on pop culture. It used to be that a sex-tape scandal or being completely oblivious to those around you could ruin someone’s career, but now, it’s okay to be a dummy with your face buried in a phone. Paris Hilton helped that happen. Not cool, Paris. Not cool.
14. BENTLEY CONTINENTAL GT CAB. YOU CAN GO TO SCHOOL, BUT YOU CAN’T BUY CLASS
The Bentley Continental pushes the definition of a supercar. It seats 4. It weighs close to 5,000 pounds, and the people who buy one typically do so simply to let you know that they have way more money than you. A loaded Conti can run close to half a million bucks in many markets. You can’t drive your house around.
Various iterations of the Conti have made close to 700 hp, with power being sent to all four wheels, and handling that belies its substantial girth.
But like they said in all of those ABC Afterschool Specials, “It’s what’s inside that counts.” In this case, it’s a full LV-leather interior. How many good suitcases or purses had to die for this ride? You can’t buy class.
15. BUGATTI VEYRON: WHEN THE ITALIAN EXOTICS ARE JUST TOO PLEBEIAN
“Guten morgan, meine herren. Today we start wurk on ze neu supersportwagen. It vill need to have at least eine thousund hp! Actually, let’s ramp that up to 1,200, once we’ve gotten a few suckers to buy the early model. It vill need at least four radiators. And it has to be the fastest car in ze vorld, mit a top speed of at least 400 km/h.” Oh, and Herr Piech also want two places to stick it in… the key, that is. When even the most excessive and ridiculous cars from Ferrari or Lamborghini won’t satisfy your desire to display your extreme wealth and good taste, there’s the Veyron. The singular world-dominating vision of former VW mega-boss Ferdinand Piech. Drake has one. Tom Cruise, too.
16. FERRARI 812 SUPERFAST: DO WANT
The Ferrari 812 Superfast represents the current state-of-the-art in Ferrari performance. Sublime handling that’s both surprisingly easy to manage and thrilling to push competes for the driver’s attention with a stonking 790 hp V12 that revs to nearly 9,000 rpm while singing that glorious Ferrari song. While it isn’t a ridiculous invitation-only affair like the F50, the Enzo, or La Ferrari, its $300,000+ cost ensures that only rich J*rks will get to sample its exquisite blend of performance, beauty, and visceral driver involvement. Do want.
17. FERRARI F12 TDF: EVEN LANCE ARMSTRONG WASN’T THIS MODIFIED FOR SPEED
The Tour de France Automobile was a French road race that ran from 1899 to 1986. Ferrari won this race over a dozen times and wanted to commemorate their series dominance with a limited edition version of their already ridiculous F12. Due to copyright restrictions, however, and confusion with the similarly named bicycle race, Ferrari wasn’t legally allowed to call their factory hot-rod F12 the Tour de France. Instead, it was simply called the F12 TdF. This car answers the question “What do you do when your Ferrari F12’s 730 hp and low production numbers aren’t enough?” Well, if you bought a Ferrari F12 in 2017 and you were one of 799 lucky souls, you could’ve secured a TdF, with an extra 39 hp over the regular F12, carbon fiber replacing aluminum on the body, and wider, stickier rubber. The F12 was already a handful in novice hands, but the TdF required some talent.
18. MERCEDES MCLAREN SLR: EXTRA FAB
In the Disney movie 101 Dalmations, Cruella De Vil’s burgundy roadster has a hood long enough to land a plane on. In real life, the closest you’ll come to that is the Mercedes McLaren SLR, a car whose proboscis is comically large but somehow looks exactly right.
When the regular Mercedes McLaren SLR and its mega hood aren’t quite fabulous enough for you, FAB Design will cover your carbon fiber-bodied road missile in extra plastic bits so that it will finally stand out on the road.
Over fenders, a spoiler, rocker panel extensions, and an even longer front bumper complete the “Oooh, God, why?” look.
19. MCLAREN P1 IN THE STYLE OF BRAD’S ’94 CELICA
Anaheim Angel CJ Wilson has a McLaren P1 with a cool iridescent-purple and orange flip-flop paint job; it looks like a life-sized Hot Wheels. This is NOT that car. This puke orange and green monstrosity looks instead like that ’94 Toyota Celica you used to see parked at the mall. The colors are just… wrong. So many colors and none of them good. You’d think they’d accidentally hit a nice color, no? The offending wrap covers the rear quarter window also. Well, at least they’ve ruined the car’s lines. Is there a section of the traffic code for crimes against McLaren? There should be.
20. PORSCHE 911 GT3 RS. THERE’S NO SUBSTITUTE
The 911 GT3 RS—pure perfection. Most of the cars on this list are specific examples of lust-inducing exotics that are either so jealousy-inspiring or so over the top that you’d have to be a J*rk to drive one. The GT3 RS is the former.
Like the Ferrari TdF and Superfast, the 911 GT3 is all business—a serious car for people serious about going fast on a race track.
It revs to 9,000 rpm, and a stereo and air conditioning are optional. It’s truly a hardcore weapon of a car, but low production volumes, and a plethora of rabid, well-heeled P-car fans means that Porsche was able to price the GT3 RS out of the realm of mortals. What’s worse is that used GT3 RSs don’t seem to experience any appreciable degree of depreciation, so getting a used one to save money isn’t an option. I guess there really is no substitute.
21. PORSCHE CARRERA GT: ANALOGUE. SOUND. BITES.
Have you ever looked past the plaid shirt and beard on your barista, stared at the Edison-light-illuminated exposed brick wall of the coffee shop while drinking your $12 organic, fair trade Ethiopian Yirgacheffe, and wondered what happened to the simplicity of the ‘90s? Remember the ’90s, when ‘good coffee’ meant it came with a squishy couch upon which to drink it? The Porsche Carrera GT was conceived at the tail end of that era; an analog old-school throwback in an anodyne digital age. It also sounds very, very much like an F1 car. Forget stability control or an eleventy-speed flappy-paddle gearbox.
This bad boy sports 6 speeds and 3 pedals to coordinate the assault of its 650 hp V10.
As many unfortunate souls have found out, this machine will bite. Actor Paul Walker passed away in one. The Stig spun it on the Top Gear test track. It’s a handful… of awesomesauce.
22. BUGATTI VEYRON: WHAT’S THAT, ALLIGATOR?
As one of the first new cars to cost over a million dollars, everyone knows the Bugatti Veyron is one expensive beastie. You’ve always wanted one; it’s classy, effortless, and with its suite of modern performance and safety kit, even your mom could drive it. Now, thanks to that guy you met in Little Chechnya last year, you managed to get a good price for your kids (enjoy the gulag, Jimmy!), you sold the house at the peak of the market, and you’re now short one kidney. You can finally get the Veyron you’ve always wanted. But what about the interior? Plain drab leather? No, no, no! You need ostrich (or is that alligator?). Either way, it better be gold as well. And let’s stop at Wal Mart on the way home to pick up some LED rope lights—not a great use of luxury home-level money.
23. KOENIGSEGG AGERA RS: GOOD CHRISTIAN CARS
We all have those friends who are way better at watching movies than anyone else. You sit beside them in the theater, but they’re the only person there who really ‘saw’ the movie. It’s only their finely tuned sense of cinema that allows them to fully appreciate the genius of the director’s film. If they watched it at home, of course, they watched it with the comments on. If they’re ultra-rich, they’re probably driving a Konnnniigggssseegggg. The Koenigsegg Agera RS is founder Christian von Koenigsegg’s latest masterpiece—a car that combines supercar performance (for people who care about that sort of thing) and Swedish practicality, with a production volume that makes it one of the most exclusive cars in the world. Because they know better.
24. SPYKER C8: PUT A SPYKE IN IT
Our penultimate entry in this list comes from the intermittently defunct Dutch boutique car maker Spyker. The English-built Spyker C8 is a two-seat, carbon-fiber-bodied, V8-powered supercar developing between 400 and 620 hp.
Several iterations of the C8 have employed Audi V8s in various states of tune, making between 400 and 620 hp.
The current C8 Preliator and Spyder now employ the handbuilt Koenigsegg V8 in naturally aspirated form, turning out 500 hp. What really makes the C8 a ridiculous choice, however, is the overwrought but supremely well-crafted interior and switchgear. Even if the performance (0-60 in 4.0 sec) might trail modern supercars, the J*rks who drive this car can wax poetic about their carbon coachwork, bespoke tufted leather, turned aluminum bits, and floor-hinged aircraft-style pedals.
25. FERRARI ENZO. OUTRUN THE SEC.
You can find the last car on our list, available by invitation only, in the secured parking structures of such notable humanitarians as wife-beating felon Floyd Mayweather Jr, various sheiks, and ruthless business tycoons. With a 650 hp V12 rocketing its carbon-fiber structure to 60 mph in just a shade over 3 seconds, the $3M+ Enzo is the perfect tool for running from family services officers or the SEC. The V-shaped nose, the excessively blocky side inlets, odd greenhouse proportions, and fussy nose details also combine to create one of the ugliest Ferraris of all time. Unlike the very pretty F50 that preceded it or the absolutely gorgeous Laferrari that followed, the Enzo was hard to drive and hard to love. There are better ways to spend $3M.