Every “relationship milestone” is bullshit, except for one: poop. It’s a biological necessity, so it’s something you’ll always being dealing with during your relationship. But it’s also a taboo, so the way you deal with it is indicative of how comfortable you are with your significant other. Thus, here are the 11 stages of poop in a relationship.
1. You don’t talk about poop.
Every relationship has to start somewhere. You’ve just met someone, and you don’t want to scare them off with the whole “I have a digestive system” thing before you even get to know them. Totally understandable.
2. You’ve acknowledged that poop exists.
You’ve broken the ice, and things are more casual. You now see eye-to-eye on the idea that there are people out there who use the bathroom for stuff other than peeing. Poop is still just an idea — something you’ve heard about in medical shows or comedy films — but it’s an idea you’re comfortable with. You still make sure to avoid coffee or spicy foods while out on dates, but maybe you’ve gone on a bathroom break that was a bit longer than usual, just to test the waters.
3. You’ve acknowledged that each other poops.
Congratulations! You and your partner have mutually come to an agreement that you’re Homo sapiens of the primate order who expel biological waste through your rectums. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but believe me, you’ve come further than a lot of couples ever get. Things are only going to get better from here.
4. You poop around each other.
Instead of clenching your rectum for dear life or pretending to take a shower, you can now confidently said, “Hey babe, I’m going to take a shit” without permanently causing a cataclysmic rupture in your relationship.